Explanation Needed

My daily life usually involves making difficult decisions such as whether to give someone a spinal or general anaesthesia for an operation or whether I should intubate someone or give him/her a trial of non invasive ventilation. However, over the past couple of weeks or so it has gotten slightly more complicated and has left me a bit confused – should I go for one girl over the other, both, or none at all?

Actually, the choice between the two can in fact be rather simple. One of them is already talking about the “M” word even before I started going out with her so it makes it pretty obvious which one I should avoid. I literally travelled across a SEA to avoid getting married and here is someone who brings it up when my headache from the past still slightly lingers.

The problem here however, is that both of them work at the same place as me. So going out with one will make the other feel bad. And that will make ME feel bad. In fact I’m not sure I actually want to go out with anyone anyway. Someone from the same work place nonetheless. Iris said that what I really need – with regards to the stressful line of work I’m actually in – is not some smart ass to argue with after a shit call, but a kind heart to take care of me and a pretty face to look at.

Therefore the conundrum thus lies with whether I should I actually go ahead with the other girl. Several issues there however. First of all, like I’ve mentioned earlier, I am not really in the mood for any form of relationship. Hell, there are several repeating patterns here. This time, just like the last time I went out with someone, I was spurned into it by the people around me rather than because I wanted to. These things usually end REALLY badly because I’m not doing it for myself, but rather for others. I guess I don’t like to make others feel bad. I think of others’ perceptions too much and that is definitely not good.

Secondly, I really, REALLY love the single life. No obligation. No guilt.  It’s the sort of freedom that can’t be explained with mere words. Life without the burden of neither responsibility nor debt – to me that is the very definition of freedom. I’m free to make my own decisions regarding almost everything without having to take into account anyone else. For example I can choose whatever colour my vinyl mat will be (which I will go look for in a short while) without having to compromise with anyone. Or maybe go watch a new movie at my own leisure when it’s convenient to ME (and just me) instead of when it’s convenient ‘to the both of us’. My life my choices. Of course if I were to add in another person in my life it takes away that wanton freedom of choice that I enjoy and treasure above all else.

Then there is also this thing called guilt. Guilt I feel towards my ex really. I mean, I broke up with her because I DIDN’T WANT to be in a relationship. So the hypocrisy of being in one after all that drama is just detestable.

Additionally there are practical considerations as well. I mean how will it all end? What will my mom say? It’s not going to be a straight forward case with this one. Unlike the last, this time it is a Christian Bidayuh girl from Bau we’re talking about. What am I going to do when the reality of the difficulties surrounding this kind of relationship hits home? I’m not a racist (at least I try not to be) but there are hurdles to overcome and a guy like me generally don’t like hurdles. I prefer leisurely walks through life if I can help it.

Looking at the above arguments it seems really clear that I should try to avoid being in a relationship with this girl. It’ll cause me more trouble than it’s worth. Or is it? What exactly is it worth? If it was so easy then why do I keep replying to the text messages? To be polite? Then explain wanting to meet her at ten o’clock the night before she goes on her two week leave despite knowing that I have to be on call the next day. Explain the disappointment of seeing not her name but my boss’s in my inbox after hearing my phone’s new message alert beep (My boss sometimes gives detailed instructions via text messaging when I’m on call). Explain thinking of her when she’s now away and the non stop stupid grin on my face when she was close by. Explain the text messages. Explain the photos in my folders. Explain the previous few posts on this blog. Explain THIS post!

Crap.